Family: Career or kids?

Written by New Straits Times Sunday, 09 May 2010 00:00

Should you quit your job and be a stay-home mum? KATLINA KIT ABDULLAH thinks it doesn’t matter as long as your kids turn out fine

HERE’S one thought that’s constantly on our minds: Working mothers wonder if they should quit their jobs to spend more time with their kids and stay-at-home mums wonder if their children will be affected when they rejoin the workforce.
Career women also dream of more free time for themselves, but wonder if they can actually survive the extra time.

Going back to work after a long absence, homemakers have anxieties about whether they will be able to cope.

Whatever we choose, we are mothers first and it’s a full-time job.

Our fears and concerns are the same.

We often wonder if we’re spending enough time with the kids, teaching them the right values and the right loyalties.


The truth is, when we nurture them with patience, knowledge and, most importantly, love, we shouldn’t feel guilty if we have a career, too.

I recently had a catch-up lunch with my colleague, Stella, and we talked about work and family matters.

I asked her about her MBA and she sighed.

I asked her about her kids and she gave an even longer sigh.
She said: “You know how people always say kids are God’s gift.

Well, some days I want to give them back and ask Him to help babysit.”
We looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean, Stella.
Today, Stella has completed her MBA and accepted a full-time position.

She had always enjoyed working part-time as a consultant and being able to choose the projects she wanted.

So it came as a surprise when she told me about her full-time job.

Her reason: The kids are all grown up and working, so she wants to keep herself occupied.
My sister-in-law, Normi, was a human resource manager who opted to take the VSS (voluntary separation scheme).

She said it would give her more time with her three kids, all in primary school at that time.
Now, when I meet her occasionally, she complains of boredom, gaining weight and feeling left out.
I asked if she had considered rejoining the workforce.

She felt that she deserved a break, even though she was bored.


Her other reason: For as long as her husband can afford it, she will enjoy it.


But her biggest fear is, who will hire a 40-something woman?
So mothers have different reasons for going back to work or for staying at home.

For me, I could never be a stay-at-home mum.

I think of too many things, read three different books at the same time - one for class, one for pleasure and one for a book club — have a full-time job teaching at a university.

If I don’t have all these activities, where will I channel all my energy?
On top of that, I have my brood and I manage pretty well without a maid.

Never had one and don’t intend to get one.
I grew up with a working mum whom I would only see at night.

But it was during these short few hours that she would look through my homework, listen to me read in English to make sure my pronunciation was accurate, and ask about school.


Mum cooked simple dishes, but was always supportive when I wanted to try something new.

She was also a whiz at sewing, something I never quite picked up.
There were many things she didn’t do, but her mothering style provided me with a great deal more.

It gave me the independence I wanted in many areas — to think, to experience, and to make my own decisions.
Mum and I had our strained moments, but we always could talk to each other about everything, well almost.

She even enjoyed my jokes.

But when it came to matters of the heart, I would try to avoid her as she would see right through me, and having Mum read you like a book was not good, at least not for me.
It really doesn’t matter whether you’re a career mum or a stay-at-home mum.

As mothers, we don’t ask for much — actually, we don’t ask for anything, just that the kids do well in their studies and turn out okay.

Some peace and quiet at other times will be bliss, too.
After certain long days at the office, all we want is to relax and unwind when we reach home.

But all we hear is a chorus of raised voices fighting in the background.

And asking the kids to tone down will obviously fall on deaf ears, so why bother?
Sometimes I wonder where I’ve gone wrong.

Mum says it’s not what I have done wrong — it’s just this generation of kids who don’t listen, don’t feel and don’t care.


On one of her visits, she spoke to my kids.

She told them to behave and to help around the house more often.

I didn’t mind the advice, but what she said after that gave me a shock.
She said: “If you continue to be stubborn and fight all the time, your mother might just die young and then where will you be? You see the drama on TV with kids losing their mothers and ending up at the orphanage because they have no one? You don’t want to be that like them, do you?”
A bit dramatic, but with good intentions, no doubt.
So these days when she comes to visit and the kids start their encore, I’ll turn to her and say: “It’s okay, Mum.

As long as I don’t see blood, we’re good.” She will then give me this amazed look and laugh.


Yes, I have come to that stage in my life.

Just go with the flow.

Kids don’t come with a manual, so there’s no fast and hard rule on how to deal with them.


For us mothers, we will always have war stories to tell.

It will be nice to get away alone sometimes to recharge, restore and recuperate.

You’re not bad mothers for wanting a vacation alone, especially if you have kids who cling on to you all the time.

So your partners need to think about it, because you do deserve a break.


But no matter how bad the situation, always look at the bright side, mothers.

We still have the kids to drive us up the wall.